Author Archives: Yunus

This Ain’t Oprah’s Goddamn Book Club Part 3: Eating Animals

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that most diseases could be prevented (or at least significantly reduced) by paying more attention to what we eat.

It is a never-ending source of stupefaction to me how marginally aware people are of what they should be eating to look and feel better, and how little effort they invest into getting that part of their life handled. Sure, when you’re a 20-something youngster your metabolism is still revving like a Ferrari FXX engine and you can get away with frequently feasting on pizza and beer without getting too fat. All ya’ll college undergrads know what I’m sayin’.

Certainly, this does nothing to encourage healthy eating patterns as we grow older (and hopefully a tad wiser). It’s only after they no longer fit in their favorite clothes that people might start thinking about what goes into their mouths.

And when I talk about “eating healthy” I don’t solely mean how it affects your appearance.

From a body composition standpoint there probably isn’t much difference between eating factory farmed or grass-fed meat. Protein is protein. But what about organ health, life energy or hormonal changes – things we can’t measure with body fat calipers – over the long term?

If you’re getting all riled up when talking heads on TV announce the next supposed influenza pandemic has spread from a tiny village somewhere in Japan all the way to your neighbourhood and rush to the ER to get vaccinated because you’re convinced you’ll drop dead within the next 48 hours without receiving an injection, then I guarantee your immune system is fucked. As is your ability to function like a rational human being by applying critical thinking in the midst of a collective frenzy but that’s another rant for another day.

Now I’m not a doctor or anything and the following does not constitute medical advice. But if you’re lifting heavy, eating mostly “good stuff” and keeping stress down at manageable levels then you can laugh at the gullible schmucks who let mass hysteria affect their judgment by waiting hours in lines for 27 different vaccinations that ultimately only benefited the pharma industry’s bottom line as was the case with H1N1.

The human body is marvelous in the sense that it will take care of you if you take good care of it. Your immune system will be ready to lay waste to any intruding virus with the wrath of Frank Castle as long as you look after it.

Thus, I impel you to be a beacon of intellectual light in your circle of influence. Become the person who invests in his health and gains at least a basic understanding of what food is, how it’s manufactured, what it contains etc. so that you no longer need to take silly advice from overweight friends or colleagues who are eagerly dishing out ”health tips” based on hearsay.

A Client Success Story: Tair, Helsinki

Tair came to me recommended by a mutual friend.

After having stopped training for a couple of years, he noticed he was getting out of shape and didn’t want to end up fat and ugly at 40 (his words, not mine). Working long hours at his job while no longer possessing the humming metabolism of an 18-year-old – coupled with lack of strenuous physical activity – had lead to adding fat onto his formerly slim, although not very muscular frame.

When I asked him about his goals, he told me the following:

- Build muscle

- Burn fat

- Get stronger

- Learn about nutrition: how to eat properly and have a healthy lifestyle

So basically he repeated what every client of mine wants to achieve. The good thing was Tair already knew how to do the big barbell lifts since this is a prerequisite for online coaching clients. All we needed to do on that front was tweaking his technique and he was good to go.

This allowed us to dial in the nutrition part for a body recomp with muscle gain as the main objective in the relatively short amount of time I was given to produce results (13 weeks).

Weight: 72.3kg -> 76.4kg (+4.1kg)

Waist: 80cm -> 77.5cm (-2.5cm)

Deadlift: 55kg x5 -> 125kg x5

Squat: 30kg x5 -> 90kg x4

Bench Press: 50kg x5 -> 80kg x4

Because of his 2-year hiatus from lifting weights (and training in general), I had him start very light so that he could hone his technique and get back into the groove, which would allow him to make solid progress on a weekly basis. One mistake I often notice beginners and those coming back after a layoff do is that they start too heavy, plateau quickly and then lose motivation.

Furthermore, the rather impressive jump up in numbers was not merely a consequence of gaining back lost strength.

For reference, his best numbers previously when he used to train on his own were 90kg on the deadlift and 60kg on the squat for reps, both of which he clearly blew right past within the 3 months we worked together.

Strength gains across the board on all other exercises as well.

As this project was a decent example of simultaneous muscle gain and fat loss accompanied by new PR’s, I decided to ask Tair about his experience for those of you interested.

Q1. What was your fitness/training/nutrition background like before working with me?

Woman. Tell Me One More Time Lifting Weights Makes You Big And Bulky, And I’ll Commit Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Women are small, frail, helpless creatures incapable of performing even remotely challenging physical activities.

There.

I said it.

As much as you’re itching to barge into my room and rip my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles posters off the wall for being a chauvinistic asshole, consider that the above is the exact same message women are being fed non-stop everywhere.

Whether it’s a celebrity trainer declaring “No woman should lift weights heavier than 3 pounds!” or your Pilates instructor saying “There’s no better way to tone those mucles and shed bodyfat than the control, the grace, the elegance, the precision of the exercise. A bicep curl is a bicep curl – but a Pilates bicep curl starts by engaging your core first, creating stability in your Being before anything else moves. That’s the power of Pilates.”, women are being labeled as weak individuals who – for their own benefit – are best kept inside this invisible bubble consisting of cushy exercises, gently wrapped up with absurd nonsense.

You know, she might just get too strong and muscular if she deadlifted her weight for reps, so let’s put her on the treadmill instead. There ya go girl, have a granola bar and a Gatorade while you’re at it.

A female client once mentioned in passing how she’d “die to get Kate Moss’ body”. I immediately dropkicked her in the face and made her do push-up/burpees until she passed out.* That’ll teach her to never utter such bollocks in my presence ever again.

This is Kate Moss...

Don’t get me wrong. I’m all for the enhancement of female physiques. After all, summer’s around the corner and nothing fills me with more bliss than trim babes with big, round glutes in short skirts filling the city landscape. I know. I’m such a hopeless romantic.

This Ain’t Oprah’s Goddamn Book Club Part 2: Should I Eat The Yolk?

So there I was perusing the contents of my library, agonizing over which book would be featured in this second installment of my recently established book club since I was having an immensely hard time figuring out the perfect fit among so many quality choices, including but not limited to:

Pets Who Want to Kill Themselves, Anybody Can Be Cool… But Awesome Takes Practice and Lesbian Sadomasochism: Safety Manual.

You know, all the classics.

Disclaimer: I’ve nothing to gain by recommending or not recommending a certain book. All opinions are unbiased and these reviews simply stem from the fact I like to read a lot and write down my thoughts. Yes, I’m geeky like that.

Background

“Jamie Hale is Sports Conditioning Coach, outdoor enthusiast, fitness and nutrition consultant. He has contributed to numerous exercise and sports publications (nationally and internationally). He has authored six books. Jamie is a member of the World Marital Arts Hall of Fame in recognition of his conditioning work with Martial Artists.”

Movements, Not Muscles

One particularly deeply ingrained concept among personal trainers is designing programs around muscles instead of movements. I’ve no idea how this all started. All I know is it leads to shitty programs where clients – who already spend most of their days in a seated position staring at a screen – are instructed to sit some more when they come to the gym.

Moreover, most training plans I’ve seen do not contain enough full body movements, heavily emphasize pressing over pulling (a great way to cause postural imbalances) and too much clutter and junk volume in general. Adding a 6th set of cable flyes into the plan requires a more reasonable purpose than “my trainer looks buff and he said four sets will not cause enough muscular fatigue, yo”.

Here’s what this typically looks like on paper:

Workout 1 – Upper Body

1. Bench press

2. Incline bench press

3. Seated DB press

4. Lat pulldown

5. Cable or DB flyes

6. Various exercises for biceps and triceps from at least 3 different angles

7. 1000 crunches on a BOSU ball

Workout 2 – Lower body

1. Half squats in the Smith machine (because deep squats with free weights are “dangerous for your knees”)

2. Knee extension machine

3. Leg curl machine

4. Abductor/adductor machines

5. Seated DB shrugs

6. Lunges until you puke or die (whichever comes first)

So what’s wrong with that approach, you may ask. Oh, nothing. Just like there’s nothing wrong with eating a bowl of anthrax for breakfast.

It’s plain retarded.

First of all, the majority of these exercises are performed on machines. And contrary to what the manager might tell you during your first visit to his facility – right after showing you the vending machine, informing that Monday is pizza night and before pushing that 2-year contract with a no-release clause under your nose – they’re not “safer” than free weights. It merely indicates he and his staff are too lazy to learn the basic barbell and bodyweight movements. Demonstrating to a clueless beginner how the pec deck machine works requires way less effort.

Quick! Someone pull out a can of pepper spray and maze my eyeballs. I can't watch this BS anymore.

This Ain’t Oprah’s Goddamn Book Club Part 1: Never Let Go

I have been told getting in a cardio session on a treadmill while watching Oprah is a great way to unwind after a stressful day at work.

I have also been told Tawny Kitaen was an 80′s stunner who appeared in several music videos for Whitesnake and went on to date lead singer David Coverdale – a feat that is damn hard to comprehend if you’ve seen her pictures after a plastic surgery gone horribly wrong.

On that account, I refuse to accept assertions of watching talk shows while training to be an enjoyable, beneficial pastime. That’s like saying you’re being productive when you’re CC’ing funny Youtube videos around the office.

(Seriously. This guy is hilarious. I don’t care what you say.)

And since we’re already talking about Oprah… apparently her book club has over 2 million members which – seeing how they’ve got lists like ”Books foodies will love” – is as perplexing as the plot in a David Lynch movie to me.

(What the hell is a “foodie” anyway? Is it some chic expression used to describe a fat female who can’t control her urge of chowing down every food item in sight? Somebody please enlighten me on this.)

I’ve decided to start my own book club, too.

If a black woman from rural Mississippi is capable of amassing a net worth of 2.7 billion dollars via discussing literature, self-improvement and spirituality on TV, and thereupon can get millions of females so emotionally riled up that websites crash and books are being sold out as they devotedly follow her recommendations, I believe I have a fair shot at replicating her success.

Now all I gotta do is piss off a bunch of women by telling them what they’re doing right now for their fitness and health is not very optimal – stop that excess running for fuck’s sake! – which, as any straight guy would attest to, shouldn’t be too big of a challenge, get them all worked up about finding a better solution for reaching their goals (grab a barbell, load it up and lift it; now lift it again; again), lure them into giving me their credit card info and laugh all the way to the bank as I’m making my first billion in the process.

Suh-weet! This is gonna be easier than I thought.

In this series I’m gonna be reviewing books related to strength training, nutrition, fitness and possibly other works worthy of extended scrutiny or out of personal interest.

I have a feeling it’s going to be hot.

How hot?

Well, imagine Nicole Scherzinger in camiknickers spoon-feeding a beef vindaloo to Spice Girls in a sauna in Bangkok. That’s half as hot as this entry.

Disclaimer: I’ve nothing to gain by recommending or not recommending a certain book. All opinions are unbiased and these reviews simply stem from the fact I like to read a lot and write down my thoughts. Yes, I’m geeky like that.

Fruit: A Devil In Disguise?

“A table, a chair, a bowl of fruit and a violin; what else does a man need to be happy?” – Albert Einstein

The more time you spend distinguishing fitness facts from fallacies, the clearer it becomes that a majority of those giving nutrition advice in the lay press are clueless posers. I’m repeatedly amazed how these “gurus” somehow manage to sneak their way through in a jungle full of misinformation by making ridiculous claims without any scientific support to back them up, and get heralded as visionaries in spite of leading people astray with their woo-woo practices.

I am, of course, referring to snake oil salesmen and saleswomen who exploit the system and make a fortune out of other people’s misery by telling us that losing an ounce of fat or getting stronger is impossible without this, that or the other supplement, or by declaring how a low-carb diet is superior to all other nutritional plans, irregardless of the person’s goals, activity levels and body composition.

In addition, as you leaf through the morning newspaper before rushing off to work, you can ever so often count on crossing paths with an article where the “fat loss expert” advices against certain foods or food groups – such as eggs, red meat, saturated fat etc. – because they’re “bad for you”.

Recently, a lot of fuss has been made about fruits and how they supposedly can make you fat.

The De-Evolution Of Modern Nutrition Info

With all the giant strides taken in science and technology during the past few decades, you’d think we would have progressed in our knowledge of food as well.

If anything we have regressed. People have become so out of tune concerning nutrition that they need guidance from others as to what consitutes “healthy” food, an alarming trend clearly evidenced by the recent decision of Walmart to add a label on their products indicating what you should put in your mouth and what not.

“The label, ‘Great For You’ will be placed on the front of various food products, urging customers to go for the healthy option, rather than the foods without the ‘Great For You’ icon. According to Walmart, the label will be seen on Market-side items, Walmart Great Value products, and also fruits, vegetables, and nutritious food choices, hopefully resulting in healthier eating by shoppers.” (1)

This news is saying a lot because most people would probably call the U.S. the idiot and obesity capital of the world. And you can bet your sweet ass that when America resorts to actions like this one the rest of the Western nations will follow suit.

As a consequence people rely more and more on “authorities” to dictate to them what they should be doing, in opposition to everyone educating themselves up to the point where they can make sound, intelligent decisions based on facts they’ve gathered like a human being with an inkling of cognitive prowess should.

Nevermind that following the advice of self-proclaimed gurus or government officials can be as fucked up as Edward Scissorhands masturbating to a porn flick featuring a crew of Thai shemales, talking seagulls and Leslie Nielsen as Dracula.

7 Reasons Why You Should Conquer Hills

I first discovered running hills on a sunny summer day several years ago, prompted by the sight of a huge hill right next to the house I was living in at the moment. Gazing up at the top looming somewhere awfully far away from the foot of the precipitous incline where I was standing, sprinting up the hill seemed like the most badass thing to do.

I guess I truly got lucky in that department since a track & field stadium was located in the ‘hood as well… which meant running steep, long-ass stairs up in the rafters while Eye of the Tiger was turned on repeat on my Creative MuVo mp3 player (ah, the memories!).

Ever since that summer hills and stairs have become a staple in my training, save for the time I spent in Berlin where the Allied Forces had apparently bombed currywurst-munching krauts and their entire infrastructure to the ground in World War II, thus leaving the whole place as flat as Heidi Montag prior to a gazillion boob jobs.

This past week I realized I’ve been too much of a pussy considering I’ve been comfortably avoiding hard conditioning outside ever since winter took over like Osama eluded the Yanks after 9/11 in a million dollar mansion in Pakistan, and headed over to a hill to rectify the situation.

Snow and coldness are a rather pathetic excuse for postponing an activity you know is good for you. Check out this article and this article for some hill sprints 101.

Below are 7 more reasons why it’s time to get back on track, find your sprinting mojo again and become a tad more awesome by the day.